Beautiful Struggles

By Selin Tosun

During this icky pandemic I have faced tremendous struggles, whether it was feeling depressed, having anxiety, and also getting trapped in the house when I had big plans to move to Turkey. I noticed that many people around me were experiencing the same things. What I didn’t notice was that I needed to take advantage of my struggles and turn them into accomplishments. The struggle begins here -- I was going to start college in Turkey and move there permanently, but my plans got cancelled due to COVID-19. The pandemic was a major obstacle because it ruined my plans. As I thought. But I soon started to realize that starting school at College of San Mateo for a year, then starting school in Turkey would be a smarter decision. This pandemic has taught me to turn my struggles into advantages that would benefit me in various ways. It has also taught me to be relaxed about difficult situations and not so up-tight and tense about them. I have learned to change my perception in order to make negative situations positive. Not being able to go to Turkey was a major obstacle at first, but I realized that I shouldn’t limit myself and stick to one plan. I should “go with the flow” and let life take me wherever it leads.

This pandemic put a major toll on my life, but I learned to work my way around it and find the motivation I needed to push through. I have never had so much motivation to do something ever in my life than I do right now during this pandemic. Since I have this idea in my head that I’m going to go to Turkey next June, it makes me want to push even further to reach my goal. At first, I felt as if I was stuck in a pile of mud, but now I’m slowly emerging from the mud and moving towards my goals. Instead of sitting at home and doing absolutely nothing, I wanted to get the hell up and move on with my life. And that’s exactly what I did. The classes that I am taking, especially my English class, also motivate me to do better in all aspects of my life. I have never been in an English class that teaches the disgusting truth behind systematic racism and that also integrates people of all colors so well. I love my English class with all my heart, I really do. And I am extremely motivated to reach my goals and be successful as a future English teacher just like my professor. My passion is writing and teaching others how to write as well. And during these difficult times, I have realized that my passion for writing has only gotten stronger. In my free time I like to write about the hurdles that caused me to make a change in plans, and how they affected my life choices. And most importantly, I like to write about how I didn’t let the pandemic restrain me from making smart decisions regarding my future. This pandemic may have been an obstacle, but now it is more of a blessing in disguise for me. The pandemic is causing millions of people to lose their lives, but it is also teaching millions of people to be patient and to work even harder to reach their goals.

In the beginning of January, I got accepted into the University that I wanted to attend so badly, BSU University. It is a private school in Istanbul that I was really looking forward to attending. I remember when I got accepted, I was yelling so loud and my mom started yelling with me, but the funny thing is, she was just telling me to shut up. I really didn’t care -- I yelled as loud as I wanted. Two weeks passed and I had already started to look for flights to Istanbul. I was extremely excited to start a new life on my own and finally be even more independent than I already am. I’ve always been independent but I was so glad to finally move into my own dorm and do things the way I wanted without anyone telling me otherwise. From caring for my little sister, to getting a job to help my parents pay the mortgage, I like to believe that these actions have made me become more independent. After my burst of excitement, I got a phone call from my school about three months later, saying that classes would be online due to the pandemic. I was so frustrated, I was devastated, but most of all, I kept wondering when the pandemic would subside. I finally came to the conclusion that I wanted the full experience in Turkey, I wanted to physically attend school and actually be there in real life, and I wanted to actually live through my college life in my dorm, in the country that I had wanted to live in for the past three years. So I decided to start school at CSM, which was frankly, the best decision I’ve made this year. I was scared. Change is scary. This pandemic has taught me that change is good, and that it can help you grow as a person. As a result, I decided to take a big leap forward and start my journey towards becoming the successful young woman I strive to be.

I am proud to be Turkish and I love my home country, which is why I love visiting every year. For the past three years I have had my heart set on moving there for school. My parents were not on board with that idea. But after they realized how badly I wanted to go, they finally agreed with my decision. I made the decision to move to Turkey and start school before I met my boyfriend (who is also Turkish). But after I met him, about three years ago, I realized that long distance wasn’t my thing and that I wanted to spend more time with him and be close to him. A lot of my relatives thought I was moving to Turkey just so I could spend time with him when in reality, I was only moving there to follow my dreams and be successful. It was super tiring to have to explain that I would never ever make this big of a decision just for a man. I am better than that.

Due to the pandemic, I had to hear these unthoughtful comments at home all the time - “Selin, why would you make such a serious decision for a boy?”. Whether it was from my grandma or from my mom, unfortunately I had this sentence repeated to me multiple times. It felt like my worth lessened by the minute every time they said this to me. But I knew what my goal in life was, to be successful and independent. To have the independence and strength so that I won’t need a man's financial support in the future. To raise my status from “reliant” to “self-reliant”. Speaking to my family about my intentions for the future was definitely a pain, but they eventually understood that I could make decisions for myself. Before the pandemic, I would think to myself - “Is my worth really this small?”. But I soon realized that I am worth so much more than I could ever imagine, and that all I need to do is follow the path that I have paved for myself without letting negative thoughts cloud my brain.

Not only do I have my boyfriend in Turkey, but I also have a bunch of friends there as well, and they all love me as if I am their sibling. They always support me when I need them, they motivate me to do well in life, and they also remind me that I have a super strong bond with a couple of amazing people. These people are all significant in my life, and I am more than sure that I am significant in their lives. But the pandemic made me feel as if I would be torn apart from them if I didn’t get to see them this year. I felt like they had been waiting for one whole year to see me and finally spend time with me, but it all got ruined because of this stupid virus. However, my boyfriend, my friends, and most importantly, my family that lives in Turkey will all love me no matter what. Even if I can’t see them for a couple of years, and even if I can’t spend every minute of the day talking to them. I now have a better understanding as to why I am friends with these people and why I care about them so much. The pandemic made me realize that I have so many amazing people that support me to the fullest no matter what decision I make and no matter where I am in the world.

While I was experiencing all of these struggles and trying to turn them into accomplishments, I realized that I wasn’t paying enough attention to my mental health. Coming from a culture where we are so family oriented, it was extremely difficult to have to stay away from my cousins and grandmother for so long. I have spent every weekend of my life with my cousins and close family. I can’t even think of one weekend where I was completely isolated from my family. So when the pandemic hit and everyone was in shelter in place, I wasn’t able to see my cousins and close family for months. And I realized that it affected me so much to the point where I started to get social anxiety even when I was Facetiming my cousins. I got diagnosed with anxiety disorder about four years ago. It’s a very sensitive topic for me to talk about, and I never like mentioning it because it always makes people think I’m trying to make them feel bad for me. Trust me, I’d rather have someone hate me than feel bad for me. Over the years, I’ve learned to accept my anxiety and better myself. Instead of viewing it as an obstacle, I learned to face it and turn it into something that made me laugh. For example, whenever I started to get the “jitters” I would joke around and tell myself that I am not in Antarctica and that there is no reason why I am shivering so much. Again, “my evil little friend” called anxiety only got worse during the peak of the pandemic. That was when I decided to take action.

I haven’t had any panic attacks since 2019 which is the biggest accomplishment for me. But I started to notice that my anxiety started kicking in again when I isolated myself from my family. I started to wonder why I was experiencing this, and I finally realized that I was always so focused on what my family thought of me. Every time I spent time with my family and cousins, I felt as if I should compare myself to them. I almost felt like I spent so much time trying to be someone else, to the point where I didn’t even know who I really was. When I wasn't around my family, it made me feel confused in a way. This pandemic gave me time to think. I kept telling myself, “Selin, stop trying to be someone you’re not just to make others happy.” On one hand, I was sad that I couldn't spend time with my family, but on the other hand, I was so happy to have finally realized that I need to be myself and that I do not need to act a certain way for my family to accept me. The anxiety that I was experiencing was me finally realizing that I don’t have to be someone I am not just to make others happy. I know it sounds dramatic, but I literally was mesmerized when I came to the realization that the reason why I was experiencing this anxiety was just because I kept overthinking about nonsense. This pandemic has caused my anxiety to worsen but also “cured” it in a way. Having this time to myself made me come to a realization that I would have never thought about if the pandemic did not take over. Therefore, I am grateful for the fact that I am continuing to better myself throughout these difficult times.

During this pandemic I have definitely gone through one hell of a ride, but I’m extremely proud of myself for continuing to push through to reach my goals. Whether it was coming to a realization about school, family, or anxiety. And whether it was an extreme struggle to get through these hard times, I have continued to push forward and I am determined to be successful despite these obstacles that I have faced. COVID-19 is probably the worst thing that could have happened to anyone this year, and as if it couldn’t get worse, there were and are still so many things that are going on in the world right now. Even though these struggles are continuing to affect millions of people, I, like many others, am finding my way around the pandemic. On behalf of myself, my plans are to continue to be successful and determined to follow my dreams despite the fact that there is a global pandemic taking place. I just need to remember to push through because in the end, everything will be okay.