Coming Out as Trans during Quarantine

By Merle Nguyen

Before this story starts, there are a few things I talk about in the story that may be considered sensitive and even triggering to some people. The main topics are gender dysphoria and self-harm. If either of these topics upset or bother you, there is no shame in leaving the page and coming back another time. Your mental health and safety are more important than seeing a stranger’s experience during the pandemic.

I’m a trans man. For those who are unsure of what that is exactly, I was born female, but I am a man. I’ve been out for a few years now, but I first came out as nonbinary. I felt that I needed to “ease” those around me into my gender identity (which no one should do; you shouldn’t have to worry about others' opinions of your identity) since at that point I was a girl for more than 10 years and looked extremely feminine.

I was in my junior year of high school when the pandemic hit. Most people thought it would be over when winter break was over, and our spring and summer breaks would be normal. I was a little worried when I heard that we would be at home for an indefinite amount of time. I never liked being at home since I would constantly get misgendered and deadnamed.

Deadnames are the names given to trans people at birth, and most of us tend to not associate with it at all, hence the dead. The name is dead to us, it isn’t who we are. The only times I would get deadnamed at school was when substitutes would call me by my deadname before I corrected them. Most of my teachers saw the note I had next to my name that told them to call me my preferred name.

My parents knew that I wasn’t cisgender (identifying with your given sex) but not that I was a trans man. I told them I was nonbinary, but that it didn’t change much about me. I still used she/her at the time, but I preferred they/them and didn’t choose a new name. During the pandemic, since everything was online, including how I hung out with friends, I tested out he/him pronouns and a new name. When I realized that I felt more comfortable with he/they pronouns and my new name, I told everyone in my friend group to refer to me as that. However, no one else knew.

My parents always raised me with the idea that LGBTQ+ topics and identities were “too adult” for my younger cousins, so I could never mention it to them without fearing punishment in some way, shape, or form. I was also scared that my family would question why since I had seemed comfortable with my old name and being feminine. I didn’t know how to come out and tell my parents that I truly am a man, even though I was not born one.

My parents are open about sexuality, but not so much about gender. To this day they constantly debate with me about whether or not transgender people should be treated like they were cisgender, and will not accept that their ways of thinking directly hurt me. One argument that gets brought up a lot is how trans people can “throw their childhood away” by changing their name and gender.

I’m the second eldest on my dad’s side of the family and the eldest on my mom’s, so since the beginning, I was the example for my younger cousins, especially the girls. I would constantly be praised simply for being the eldest girl, and never for anything else so most of my identity to my family was that I was the eldest girl. When I realized that I would no longer be the eldest girl, I was scared that the validation and worth I had spent years building up would come down and become nothing. I now realize that it was extremely toxic that I felt my worth was just because of my gender and that my self-worth relied fully on those around me, but as a child, you do whatever you can to make your parents proud. They buy you clothes, give you a roof to sleep under, and feed you, so why shouldn’t you be what they want to pay them back?

I understand what I was thinking before, but at the same time, it removed my self-worth, and I disconnected from myself as a person. It was only when I started to grow up and make choices for myself that I realized how much I depended on my parents for validation. I started to come out slowly by telling my parents that I wanted to dress more masculine, but whenever we had events or had to dress nicer, my mom especially wanted me to wear dresses or feminine blouses. She used the excuse that I would not be able to fit into men's clothing, since I have an extremely feminine figure, but part of me thinks that she wanted to hold onto her “little girl” for as long as possible. Being forced into feminine clothes that hugged my figure did not help my gender dysphoria at all, which is the psychological distress that stems from your body not matching your gender identity. It isn’t something that is fluid and can go down when wearing clothes that make you feel more comfortable in your body or through gender therapy. Everyone deals with dysphoria in different ways; personally, I wish to medically transition in the future, and for now, I wear clothes that hide my body for the most part so I don’t hyper-fixate on it.

Luckily, the pandemic meant that I didn’t have to go to as many formal events. Unluckily, however, I have a mirror in my room, and I have to look at myself constantly. I couldn’t avoid looking at myself in the mirror like I normally do when I go to school, I couldn’t avoid looking at the mirror and feeling as if the reflection isn’t me. My hyper fixation on how I looked led to me getting upset at myself, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I had thoughts of just trying to cut away the parts I didn’t like, which are extremely unrealistic but intrusive thoughts do that sometimes. Whenever I would look in the mirror, I would feel this anger almost, and I was upset that I was not skinny or had nice muscles like other guys I knew at school. Even if I looked like a bigger guy, I just wanted to look like a man. I’ve never liked my figure and I want to change it. I’ve been told that I should keep aspects of my figure before because I’m “such a pretty woman” and how “so many women would LOVE your figure, why take that away?”

The answer is simple: I’m not a woman. Those comments were always so annoying, especially coming from my parents. The only issue is that I was never able to speak up about these things. I was told to just accept the way that I look and not focus on it. I wanted to tell my parents how hurt I felt by their words, but I couldn't bring myself to. I knew that the pandemic was taking a toll on everyone – my mom and brother are immunocompromised – so we had to be extra careful not to bring covid home whenever we went out to get groceries.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t help but focus on how I looked every day. I felt it was the main thing holding me back from truly passing as a man, and that if I looked different from how I do now I would be more accepted as a man. I tried to avoid the mirror as much as I could, but that only lasted for so long. I knew I had to confront my parents about my identity. I had a therapist at the time, and I talked to her about the best way to go about coming out as a trans man. She suggested that I ask them to talk and just open up and be completely honest with them.

It took a while, but eventually, I came out to my parents. I don’t remember most of the conversation, as I was stressed and worried that I would get disowned, but I remember my mom hugging me and saying that it was ok and that I had nothing to worry about. She told me that it would take time for her and my dad to get used to the name and pronoun change, but they would try. My dad didn’t seem to share this sentiment, but at least one parent being accepting is better than none.

Since then, my mom at least tries to use my name and he/him or they/them pronouns for me instead of she/her. My dad tends to avoid using pronouns for me, but he does use my preferred name. I felt relieved that I wouldn’t be kicked out like in the decent amount of the stories I’ve read online and seen happen to other friends.

I was relieved I had to deal with only a little bit of misgendering, no conversion therapy, or constant transphobic comments. Though my parents still occasionally say something transphobic, I’ve grown the confidence to correct them and call them out. My parents are still working on accepting my gender to this day. It wasn’t until I brought fliers for a gender therapy group that my doctor suggested I do that my parents fully accepted the fact that their little girl is gone, and he has grown into a man.

It has been a long journey and the pandemic has only made the intrusive thoughts worse, but I know that I am a man, no matter what other people think. Just because I was born a woman does not mean I am one. My name is Merle, and I am a man.