Why it Happened to Me

By Itzel Macias 

It was around April when I was forced to finish my seemingly perfect senior year at home. No more straight A’s, after school dance team practices, McDonald’s runs. No final prom, no senior activities, no actual graduation.  But that was not even something that I thought was the worst part. I was afraid to grow up. I was afraid to finish high school, afraid to take on adulting and other responsibilities. I could no longer make excuses as to why I did not have my driver’s license or my own job. No more saying “I have no time,” because certainly I do have time. So what the hell is this Coronavirus?? Why must it blow my cover? I honestly did not take this pandemic that seriously either, I thought it was a load of bull. Ironically it was my research essay topic, and even with all the statistics given and all the information gathered, I still had the audacity to not see the severity of the issue and continued to disregard precautions necessary for my safety. That is until my older brother who I constantly clashed with and was equally if not more ignorant when it came to taking the virus seriously, tested positive for Coronavirus. Yeah that’s when it truly went to poop for me. 

Just my luck, ranting about the virus as if I was immune to it and basically being careless with mine and indirectly others safety, just for my brother to get it and risk infecting us all? Oh brother. Now before you assume that I’m probably dramatic and honestly pretty shady to my brother for acting the way I do, I should have you understand my brother is literally a pain in the butt. He not only is the oldest and spoiled since birth, he always likes to argue with me. It’s always so aggravating as well because he almost ALWAYS has to be right about everything. He always has to know more than my sister and I despite us having more knowledge in some things. My brother dropped out of high school early and was a very troubled kid who hung out with the wrong crowd and made not only his life really hard, but especially my mom’s as she had to work two jobs as a single mother to support four boys and two girls and while she was also still working her ass off to keep her oldest son out of trouble with law enforcement. That’s truly what made me despise my brother. No conversation with him could ever be as bad as the fact that he had everything handed to him yet he still chose to be an idiot and make my mom suffer for his stupid actions. My mother cried a lot when I was a kid, and it honestly always felt like it was because of him. So deep rooted within me at a young age, I’ve always been so pissed at my brother and how he carries himself and talks at people rather than talking to them. How he thought the world revolved him. How he always got what he wanted, no questions asked. How he would be the only one to yell at and pick fights with my mom and my mom would do nothing. Nothing got me more than the fact that he acted like he was so perfect and untouchable. So in a way, him getting the virus wasn’t something I thought was too bad . . . ‘cause karma right?

The first thing that truly started our struggle was having to get all six others in our house tested. Surprisingly we were all tested negative but as my mom liked to insist, if it was not for God, we would all be suffering from this virus. I questioned my faith a lot unfortunately, so her saying that made me wonder if God was watching us, why would my last year be ruined? My year had not even hit the events that would truly change my world and I still believed this was the end of the world. We had to all quarantine away from my older brother, which was extremely stressful. My brother got sick, like almost three months sick. Everyone around the house had to work ten times harder to not only avoid getting sick, but to stay on top of the bills. And with my brother, who honestly worked a lot and made real good money and was one of the sources of income other than my mom, sick, we were starting to struggle. At first, I wouldn’t see my sister or other brothers or even my mom for days at a time from trying to work hard to support us, while I stayed and took care of my brother and disinfected the house, before he was transferred to an actual hospital. This was all happening when I was trying to finish my senior year in high school. I was finally starting to worry. I didn’t speak about Corona much anymore, as I was forced to swallow the things I’ve insisted were true before about the virus and suffer from the bitterness that stayed in my mouth. I truly jinxed myself. 

Now I was here, trying to help my family in these tough times, but I could not help but feel guilty and pretty useless during these times. I felt pretty guilty yeah, yet I still didn’t feel concerned for my brother and the things I was thinking about him. I still truly didn’t think I did enough and that was something I needed to change, before it was too late. I needed to do more, which prompted me to take full charge of a house daughter, if that’s even a thing. Anything in the house was my responsibility. At first it was manageable, doing the cooking and cleaning. There weren't ever really too many people either at home with everyone’s different schedules. Pretty soon after, my mom got a better job and the strenuous hours at work slowed down. We were starting to become more stable again, but my jobs at home only became more difficult. More dishes, more cooking, an insane amount of chores started to appear more, sometimes even doubling in a day. 

Pretty soon, I was overwhelmed with work at home, and I started to fall behind on my school work. My seemingly perfect grades started to drop and I fell into the abyss of unproductiveness. I was even more scared being in the position because it was not only that bad grades stressed me out so badly, but I never really was in the position to have to worry about my grades because I was so strict with them and my school stuff in general. I never really thought too much about how this life I’m living right now could’ve been ten times worse for someone else. I never really realized that some people have to manage school and a job or tasks at home every living moment of their lives. I could not make excuses for the way I was forced to live when others really have no choice. I can’t make this an excuse. I wish I realized this a bit sooner than I did, as I might’ve been able to get to the point of happiness I felt at the beginning of the pandemic.

After many days of being half asleep during my zoom calls, and barely turning in math assignments, I was able to graduate with average grades. I felt so shitty finishing my last year of high school so poorly, but the relief of being done with school was much more relevant to me than the feelings of regret in those moments. My stressful moments were not over entirely though. My cursed brother was still very sick and medical bills started to come in more frequently. I remember my mom crying and saying how “we would go broke” if we don’t take charge of this right away. My guiltiness came back. I could not let my mom worry and cry about medical bills for her sick yet selfish son. No way am I letting him win this I thought. I knew I had to do something to help and I could not make any excuses anymore. School is over, I can no longer postpone it anymore. I needed to get a job. So I worked up the courage to go out and look for a job, which honestly didn’t take that much work since I was driven by the desire to help my family out. Luckily my sister's boba tea shop was hiring and gave me the job asap. It had only been a few months of me working there before they were forced close and my sister and I were both out of a job. The stress levels increased rapidly once more and for a while we were back looking for jobs. The lockdown didn’t help our anxiety, it only made it so much harder to get a job which is what we needed more than ever. 

With lots of hope and good luck I think personally, my sister and I were both able to get a job at a recreation center across the street from our house working with kids. From then to present, this job saved us from suffering from the large amounts of money needed to pay for the bills. I don’t regret looking for a job when I did, because it truly had a huge impact on my life today. I honestly don’t think I would’ve gotten a job that quickly after school ended if it wasn’t because of my brother catching Corona. Even with the pandemic, I truly don’t feel I would have a job if it never personally affected me. As selfish as it sounds, it's true. I couldn’t lie and say it did bother me before my brother, cause clearly I thought the world revolved around me and I could care less about my annoying brother before.  I’m glad I changed my perspective, but it would not have happened if I wasn’t prompted before.

Things were really getting better, well financially. We were struggling to be stable enough to pay for all the piling up bills, yet my brother's condition only seemed to get worse. Paying more and more for what exactly? Treatment wasn’t too helpful it seemed. We were literally paying for him to be on a machine. It gave me a weird feeling in my stomach. My intuition was telling me something, yet I couldn’t quite understand. That’s when my mother received a phone call saying my brother's health is only declining more, and that they are going to be looking after him a little more to see how he would be getting.  I remember from my research there were a few casualties, yet for some reason the thought of my brother possibly dying was surprising to me. Could this really be happening? I didn't want to believe it. No way was he this close to death. We were told and advised that the chances of dying were slim and the recovery rate was over 50%? How can he possibly be one of those unlucky few? That definitely spooked me. I was never too close to my brother; we’d butt heads a lot. Honestly, he was the brother I talked to the least because of how irritated he made me. Obviously, I did not wish and would never wish death on anyone, but the fact that we were in this position made me think that it was all of my negative energies and thoughts manifesting into something bigger. It’s like it was life saying “Hey! You think your life is hard, just wait, you have not seen anything yet!” I didn’t wanna carry the guilt of something happening to my brother because I wished it on him. I remember finally starting to feel guilty for my brother as I just thought about that whole situation in general. 

I needed to really reflect on this. I know I didn’t get along too well with my brother due to obvious reasons, but he’s still my brother. Maybe I shouldn’t have as much anger towards him as I did. It was hard not to but I still needed to really try. If I continue to just despise him without actually trying to talk about his behavior, how could he ever realize how he’s acting? How could I truly want to see change if I don’t try and provoke it? I began to fill my head with positive thoughts hoping for a positive outcome. Which thank God, eventually came. My brother ended up making a full recovery and was sent home a little less than four months in. He did have to take it real easy when he first came back and did take a week off when he arrived at first but was back on his feet the following week. It wasn’t until maybe a month later that we finally got to talking about the things that were on our chests. Surprisingly, my brother admitted himself that he regretted his rebellious years and apologized for his habit of always acting like this “hot shot” as he liked to say. It was the first time I’ve ever seen him cry too, which was weird but also gratifying to see for once. It’s like the first bit of genuine emotion I’ve ever seen come out of him. I’m happy it started a conversation, and I’m thankful I was even able to have one with him. It most certainly won’t be the last. 

It was a pretty hectic time for me I’d say, the whole pandemic thing. I certainly experienced a lot and was exposed to emotions I didn’t normally feel. It challenged me to take on responsibilities and challenge myself to really reflect on each event. It forced me to stop being selfish and start being selfless. I’m happy I experienced such a change, though I would want to change the form in which it came in. I wish I didn’t have to end up in a pandemic that caused the lives of many people, hurt the economy even more and put others and their families in really stressful situations. I definitely find myself way more grateful for the life I have and am living, because even though it was something that seemed so endless and draining, I couldn’t possibly understand what other situations are like. I’m grateful I didn’t have to experience the virus myself either, and my heart truly goes out to those who did.