Maybe: 

By Shoshana Kurland

Maybe I should smile with teeth … no, I’ll look like a dork. Then maybe I should smile without teeth … no, I won’t look happy enough. Maybe I should wear my button-down plaid shirt, to look like I’m not trying too hard … but then I’ll look like I’ve lowered the bar. I’m not pretty enough. Maybe I should wear that low-cut top; I want them to think I’m pretty and hot; but what if I look too sl*tty? That’s a possibility, I forgot. Now what about my pose? Should I do a generic pose to look normal? Eh no, normal is boring … maybe I should pose like a model; but I’ll look ridiculous … the likes won’t come pouring in … I don’t look like a model because I’m not stick-thin; I won’t stick with those photos like a needle or a pin through a picture on a wall … I won’t post them until they look perfect … I feel myself failing, I feel myself fall … taking these pictures in large amounts didn’t account for anything … I didn’t count anyways. But maybe makeup will fix me! Should I wear a natural makeup look? I should look like myself … right? On the other hand, I just might wear a bold makeup look … I shouldn’t look like myself because maybe I’m ugly, because maybe I’m a book without illustrations, and no one will read the text until they see a pretty picture … therefore I concur, maybe a filter wouldn’t hurt. Ugh, I look so good in that filter, I wish I could get plastic surgery to look like I do when I have that filter; I should just disappear … I hate my face; finally I look good in this picture after 50 takes … but after all that it has taken out of me, I’ve been erased; who is that girl? Now, it is time to write the caption; the text they will read because my facade, my pretty picture caught their eye like stars catch their eye at night. Maybe I should say something witty … no, intellect isn’t pretty. Maybe I should say something simple … no it isn’t substantial. Maybe I should write a paragraph … but then they’ll know that; that my thoughts are never stagnant, they move around dancing; maybe I should write something romantic, something funny, something tragic; something ironic something manic … though either way I’d panic; the attention must be captured: with emojis or without? I overthink things, I want to shout.

According to the article Under Pressure: Are the Stresses of Social Media Too Much for Teens and Young Adults?“A review article published in January 2020 in Computers in Human Behavior, which specifically focused on young adults ages 18 to 29, suggested that social media use is associated with mental health issues in this age group too — and that young adults turn to social media to help cope with stress, even though it doesn’t actually help them manage it” (Vogt and Young, 2021).

In high school, there was a classmate I admired … maybe back then I never grew tired of watching her … observing her in a classroom setting; observing her in the solitude of my bedroom, through the glowing screen. We all watch people in real life that catch our eye. Maybe they are more popular than us; more attractive, maybe they dress better … maybe they reflect us while also refracting … maybe to an extent they are made up of who we are, also out of stardust they are stars … but they seem to be the “better” version of us. We had common interests, but she was perceived as more interesting … the difference between us was that she put herself out there in a way that drew more people to her. She was also more well-off which is why she could do so … I saw and I knew that she posted pictures of play performances and attendances … she was an appreciator of acting and an actress herself not only through the screen; this would mean that she lived for attention; at least from my perception … not to mention; she posted pictures of herself wearing clothes I didn’t own but I wished that I could own … she went to places I couldn’t go to and I wished I could go … New York, Paris, Rome … I was jealous of her. Her selfies were layered with filters, but I knew that she was just as beautiful in real life and yet I envied who she was on Instagram, failing to see that Instagram does not reflect reality and there were things I wanted that were not worth wanting … and first of all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder and second of all, the beholder mustn’t hold onto her … the ideal of beauty that is laced with artifice; like a natural red apple laced with poison … she had apple-red lips, but that was makeup; she was made-up … it is alright if from time to time a girl catches your eye, and she inspires you … but does that mean that you are nothing? Does that mean that you have been inspired by something real, or was it really just a mirage … the star has shone but it was surrounded by a fog … how could I have been blind to it? I wasn’t alone … we are all blinded by the wrong light from time to time.

According to the article Under Pressure: Are the Stresses of Social Media Too Much for Teens and Young Adults? “‘People may be comparing themselves to the edited photos they see on social media and perceive their appearance to be inferior,’ says Wind, who was not affiliated with either study. ‘Social media users may also feel that they have to painstakingly edit their photos to get more attention on social media.’ That can cause a disconnect between their social media persona and what users really feel about themselves, he says” (Vogt and Young, 2021).

So one day, I stopped smiling for the screen, and started smiling more at people … one day, I stopped posing to prove something, and I just sat with myself … one day, I started applying makeup for myself, not to gain validation from society’s creation of ideals … one day, I became real. No more filters, and no more captions because maybe I didn’t need to be more … maybe I was more than enough … maybe I had something she didn’t though it’s not a competition; we are just people living our lives. But maybe, I had authenticity; beauty without a filter and therefore, no need for a filter. We all have that kind of beauty if we believe we do because beauty is subjective. Maybe, I also had some intellect that I didn’t have to hide, and at the same time intellect I didn’t have to prove in the way that society via Insta captions wanted me to … maybe I had artistic skills that I could have used to draw pictures to post on Instagram instead of photoshopping and posting pictures of myself until I was nothing more than a duck-lipped barbie doll in a shallow sea of them. On the surface, I have observed this: be who you really want to be, and let that person be who you are.

According to the article Under Pressure: Are the Stresses of Social Media Too Much for Teens and Young Adults?“Feeling a sense of belonging with and validation from their peers is important for teens and young adults, says Brian Wind, PhD, an adjunct professor of psychology at Vanderbilt University in Nashville and chief clinical officer at JourneyPure, an addiction treatment organization. ‘More than any other age group, they’re actively forming their identities,’ Biernesser says. ‘Social media offers them a venue to experiment with identity, considering different versions of themselves and inviting peers to offer feedback.’ But this experimentation can open the door to negative peer influence that encourages risky behaviors and feeds self-criticism, which older adults (who may have a more established sense of self) may be less susceptible to, she adds. ‘All of us enjoy being affirmed. But the key is remembering that getting a thousand “likes” does not make you a better person,’ Harris explains. For adolescents and young adults, because they are likely seeking more of that outside validation, it may be more difficult not to attach feelings of happiness and sense of self-worth to the feedback they’re getting on social media, she adds” (Vogt and Young, 2021).

I have observed in real life that my classmate liked to draw. She was an even better drawer than me even though as stated previously, we are just people living our lives; it doesn’t have to be a competition every single time … yet that left me wondering: why did she never post her art for the world to see? Why was her true self not the person she wanted to be? Why was she not living authentically? Was it because maybe she felt the same way I used to feel; that it is too risky to be real?

In high school, March of 2020, quarantine hit as a result of the pandemic. That was when I realized that there was no point to any of this … keeping up a façade … using social media all to impress or simply grasp the attention of a bunch of people … most of whom I was not actually close to; most of whom I did not care about, and most of whom did not care about me … we to each other were just ego boosters; from that I needed to be free; that is authenticity. I could have gotten sick with the virus; I could have died … the people who I truly cared for and who truly cared for me could have gotten sick with the virus and could have died … there is no point in trying to socially survive … no point in trying to get likes the way a star tries to shine when the skies have blackened darker than ever before … what is it all for? When you don’t know how long you have left to live, or whether you will survive through a time where everything is black like the night? I deleted my Instagram account and took a break from social media for a few months. I went outside more … where I sat with myself; I did not sit with my phone nor my filter-laced photographs … nor with captions and comments; likes and posts; I was past that; post-past … I reflected on how I refract from the norm … how I’m not the person I was before; I could not ignore that maybe I was on a different path.

 According to the article Under Pressure: Are the Stresses of Social Media Too Much for Teens and Young Adults? It is wise to “Delete social media completely. No one says you must use social media if you don’t want to. If it’s doing you more harm than good, consider deleting all of your social media apps and accounts, says Vidal” (Vogt and Young, 2021).

But one day, I decided to get back on Instagram, on social media, but I would be posting authentic content … I learned that being authentic made me feel content. I created an art account … what my classmate did not choose to do despite her talent for art and for once I didn’t feel like I was falling apart … every genuine part of me was coming together, and finally I felt free. I expressed my feelings of fascination, fear, and uncertainty with the pandemic through my art; and ironically that is certainly what helped me get on through it … that is when I shone so bright with the emergence of my inner light; brighter than the glow of my phone screen … brighter than I shone when I wasn’t myself because now although I sat with myself, I finally didn’t feel lonely I just was alone … I found a home in me. Connecting with my creative side and getting back to drawing after not doing so for months before the pandemic was, as I have discovered, maybe not only something I truly wanted, but maybe something that I truly needed. Maybe it has also helped my followers get through the pandemic … maybe my art has allowed them to reflect on these hard times and sit with themselves and their minds … maybe it has given them hope in those times of Hell. Maybe social media has become my enemy and my friend as it taught me in the end that I want to (authentically) show the world who I am and what I want; what I fear and what I’ve got; how I hope and how I cope and how I totally was lost … but then found, but then reborn … through all the twists and turns … of navigating life during times of constant struggle and continuous strife … maybe social media wasn’t the answer, and maybe it was the answer … to discovering who I am and who I was. Maybe.

References

Vogt, C. & Young, A. (2021, September 1). “Under Pressure: Is Social Media Ramping up Stress in Unhealthy Ways for Teens and Young Adults?” EverydayHealth.com. https://www.everydayhealth.com/emotional-health/under-pressure/are-the-stresses-of-social-media-too-much-for-teens-and-young-adults/.