Attachment

By Janie Chan

As the popularity of social media rises, many of the users, especially the young people born in the era are affected in some way. As a teen, I had experienced different types of emotions using social media. However, I don’t spend quite a lot of time on the common social media apps that the majority of young people use. I have to say though, Discord is an app that I often use, equivalent to about a minimum of 3 hours a day. It is always the first app that I open when I check on my phone. It is always open on my computer, whether I am using it to communicate or just continuously in the background running. Therefore, I believe that Discord impacted me the most and the impact of Discord on my psychological well-being was like a rollercoaster.

When the pandemic arose, I started using Discord frequently and so did many others. Discord is a social media platform where communities are formed or gathered together. People use the app for different reasons and mine would be to gather with the gaming community. I’ve met many new and great people who have also found a safe place on the app. A place where mental health or reality can be forgotten as well as a place to pour out all your feelings when there’s no one in real life that is present to support you. Everyone had a different story and different struggles that they are experiencing involuntarily. Depression was the most common struggle which I had found among the users I have communicated with. During covid, people are forced to be isolated with not much face-to-face conversation other than with their family. Because of this, many of them started to struggle with mental health and all their problems were bottled in.

Shortly after meeting my new discord friends who are suffering from mental health, I would often feel overwhelmed and I felt as if I absorbed the depressive energy. I would try my best to hide it and continue being there for them as I would also like to have someone to be there for me when I needed it. Thankfully, I found a group that fulfilled that desire after two years of the pandemic. The yoru server, a small community server that’s named after a Valorant character, became my home. This server started out with several teens with a common interest and the members continue to bond and expand to this day.

Fast forward to the summer of 2022, when the pandemic finally calms down and masks are temporary. College is about to start and I had the worst panic attack experience ever. I was worried about every single thing a student starting college would have worried about. Nammy, the nickname of my online best friend from the yoru server, is someone that ALWAYS gives me a safe space to rant. One night while Nammy was offline, I anxiously ranted to her until I was close to getting everything off my mind to have a peaceful sleep. I ranted about how worried I am that I might not fit in, unable to meet new people, not getting the grades that will impress my parents, not finding my major, and overall, just growing up. When Nammy woke up, she replied with the most comforting words and advice that I could possibly receive. She was able to relate to all my struggles, especially with finding a major that would fit. She told me how proud she was of how far I have gotten and she will support me no matter what path I choose. This topic has come across my mind for a few years now and still is as overwhelming as ever. Oftentimes, I would rant about this topic to Nammy as it would help like a burden is finally taken off. The few times that I ranted to her, I would talk about the different fields of career that I might want to pursue and how much I wished I was like my brother, who is one of those people who knew which major they are determined to pursue. Then there’s me, only to follow their footsteps my whole life. Just like how I was close to pursuing computer science just because they are. Nammy helped me realize that I am my own person and I should choose what I am passionate about instead of letting others decide for me. I should also not care about the time because everyone is living their life at their own pace. There isn’t a set time where you need to do something so when I’m ready, I will find the major that fits me.

Like I had mentioned earlier, Discord is like a place where reality can be forgotten. A home for many of us users as well. I believe that home is not just a place where you live or where your blood related family is at. In the house I live in, I was provided with a different kind of environment or vibe compared to the yoru server. I was given the environment where feelings aren’t talked about and you are to deal with your own struggles on your own. In addition, I felt as if I am never good enough no matter what. With a not so sweet cherry on top, my family might look as if it is perfect and everyone is on good terms. However, there’s no arguments because of how little my parents spoke to each other, often using their kids to be their messengers. They would also criticize each other behind their backs. One day, while I was doing my homework, my mom started criticizing my dad and forced me to agree with her or else she would cut out my internet. I tried hiding my tears while agreeing with her. My first intuition after that was to message Nammy about it. In fact, my parents had decided to split up after my brothers and I moved away for college. It gave me a lot of pressure as I am the youngest child in the family and I felt as if I was the only one trying to keep the family together. Sometimes, I would get jealous about how, during family gatherings, my cousins would have their whole family attending it. Whereas my family is always missing one or two people.

I never thought that it would affect me, as I was used to it, ‘til the time was getting near. I tried telling my real-life friends about my family problems, hoping to receive comfort or their opinion on it. However, all I got were “ok” and “oh” with the topic changed immediately after. This was most likely because none of them can relate or maybe because they think it is weird to talk about these emotional problems. On the other hand, the majority of the people I met on Discord had family problems similar to mine or worse. They knew how it feels when these situations come up so the comforts we often give each other is helpful. When conflicts within my family happen, I tend to mostly spill it all to Nammy, as she can relate to my case the most. Moreover, I have known her the longest and she knows me the most as well. Instead of dealing with my own problems and bottling up emotions like I have been for almost my whole life, I learned to open up more starting with Nammy. She helped me get the picture that it is okay to be vulnerable at times and there will be people that will care enough to support you whenever you need. Over time, she also helped me build up my self-worth and self-esteem as I would often get compared a lot to the point where I believed that I will never be enough.

Of course, there are consequences to using social media. I found myself talking to them more and more, leading to a bigger distance with my real-life friends. It took me a long time to notice it as I rarely talked to them outside of school. Eventually, I got so attached to my online friends that I started to rely on them for happiness and comfort when I am not feeling the best. I felt myself starting to get clingy, trying to maximize my happiness and forget reality. I also felt that I wasn’t happy if I didn’t get to talk to any of them for a day. I would get upset when I was not included in the group activities because those are the times when I can be genuinely happy, and I was missing out. It is the same for when I ranted or when I asked them to do something with me during the day, and I didn’t get a response until after 10:30pm when my mom decided to cut my internet out every night. They would always apologize and I would then reply with “it’s okay” although I was still a little upset. I didn't want my friends to feel bad about it nor did I want to feel even worse for having that feeling, so I let that matter go. It is easily done as they weren’t able to see my expressions or hear my tone. These responses contributed to me struggling with mental health even more. I was constantly going through different types of negative emotions, which drained me so much that I lost productivity to do anything else.

About a month or two later, I realized how overwhelmed I was, and I had to take a break from Discord. This includes not opening the app and turning off the notifications for it. After a few days and if I felt ready, I would go back to using Discord. Avoidance and distancing myself is the route I often take when I have troubles. I would isolate myself from others and keep the problems bottled until they are solved or gone. To overcome that habit, going to work, school and walking or running on the trail were helpful. Although all these actions were helpful for my mental health and shifting my focus on other things, going on the trail was the most effective. San Andreas Trail and Sawyer Camp Trail, the two closest and my favorite trails, are the trails I often ask my brother to walk with me weekly which ends up being around 2 hours at least of walking there. As a result, I was given a lot of time to think and clear up my mind. I ended up using this healthier method rather than just relying on my online friends for comfort. It was much more peaceful, at least for my emotions and mentality. I was able to take pictures of the sunsets and views, which is one of my hobbies. I enjoyed the peace from all the stress and worries I left behind at the start of the trail. I used this method when I was in the high school cross country and track team. When something would bother me, I would go to practice and after it, I would feel much better. Going on the trails gave me another chance to feel that experience again as I had stopped doing sports for school.

Taking everything into consideration, I had a mixture of good and bad experiences with Discord. It became my home; however, it also turned out to have a negative impact. This is the same as having a little of something is fine, but having a lot of it becomes toxic. Social media, specifically Discord, gave me a sense of home and security to be vulnerable. I also learned that there are many others that are struggling with similar problems and that I am never alone. It gave me a chance to share my stories and feelings while not feeling guilty about it because according to my online friends, my feelings are valid. From the results of those actions, I was able to make progress in growing as a person, especially with my mentality. As for the negative impact, the unhealthy amount of time I spent on the app caused me to be attached and relying on them to make me happy when I am sad. I didn’t consider the consequences of doing that as it may bring me back to the overwhelming feeling that I had before I met them.

Currently, I am trying to limit the usage time of the app. It will take some time to adjust, but it is worth the wait. To steer my attention away from Discord, I use other apps like Netflix to watch shows or other solutions without the use of much digital technologies. They are helpful to me because I can put my focus on other things, giving me little time to think about my problems as it gives me stress and anxiety. Even though the other solutions I have mentioned before are still the route of avoidance, I am also given the opportunity to calm down and reflect on the situation when I am ready to deal with it instead of constantly seeking comfort from my friends. As for Nammy, we are still connected on different social media platforms. Occasionally, we would check on each other or spend time with each other through video games and social media. Our friendship continues to grow even though we both often take breaks from social media, especially Discord.